When my wife and I got married in August we both changed our names from Scott Kimball and Susanna Marshall to Scott and Susanna Marshall-Kimball. I’d like to take the opportunity to explain how and why this decision was made. Before I get into this I want to make it clear that I do this with the intent of sharing and not with the intent of arguing that this is something every single couple should do.

I also don’t think I’m any kind of hero for changing my name. My past, present, and surely future are all riddled with chauvinistic behavior and attitudes; some I’m aware of and regret and some I’m not aware. The hero in this story is my wife, who was and is strong enough to speak a difficult truths to me and stand up for what she believes.

Shortly after we got engaged, Susanna told me that she wanted to have a discussion about what our married names would be. She told me that she didn’t feel it was right to limit the discussion to “Are we both going to take the name Kimball, or are we both going to keep our current last names and give our kids the last name of Kimball?” She told me she thought the only right way to go into that discussion was to weigh each of our names equally. To her, this meant that she thought we should consider us both taking her name, Marshall, as much as we should consider us both taking my name, Kimball. She also suggested the idea of us both hyphenating our names.

I’ll admit that I felt frustrated, confused, nervous, and a little guilty when she said this. The thought of changing my name was tough for me. The name Scott Walter Kimball means a lot to me, and I’m very proud of each part of it.

My middle name comes from my maternal granddad, Walter Fromm, who was a truly amazing individual – a hero to me. I love having his name as part of mine; it’s a reminder that he’s a part of me. When I sign my name, I remember him, and I feel grateful for my time with him.

Through the Kimball name, I feel tied to my immediate family – to my parents and my siblings. My mom felt it was so important to be tied to my sister and me through the name Kimball that she kept that name after my parents divorced.

We would check in over the months that followed, and I would let her know where I was at, and would usually tell her I needed more time. This was tough for me.

As I kept thinking about what my name meant to me, I just could not bring myself to the point where I felt I could let go of it. It was too important to me.  As I came to that conclusion I also knew that if my name was so important to me, maybe Susanna’s was just as important to her.

I couldn’t in good conscience try to force my name on Susanna or tell her that she could keep her name as long as the kids were raised with the Kimball name.

I went to Susanna and told her I was coming closer to feeling like hyphenating our names was the right thing to do, but I still needed some time to work things out. Here are the most prominent things I had to work out and my explanation for how I reconciled these concerns:

1)      It’s not fair. I’ve live my whole life thinking I’d never have to change anything to do with my name.

In the end it hit home to me that in reality the thing that’s even more unfair is that women are always expected to change their name, which is a vestige of when marriage was more of a business transaction with a woman becoming property of her husband and therefore taking that name. That really sucks, and it shouldn’t stop me from considering that my wife has as much right to her name and our kids having her name as I do.

2)      What are my family, friends, and strangers going to think?

My dad and brother are the only two direct relatives of mine that have the Kimball name still as my mother died in 2013 and both of my sisters changed their names when they got married. I wondered if they’d be disappointed if I changed my name to Marshall-Kimball. I then realized that nobody in my family gave my sisters any grief over changing their names so in fairness I should be able to do whatever I want with my name too. I also realized that both men care about me deeply and would continue to do so no matter what happened with my name.

As for what would my friends and outsiders think question, it’s fair to say that there are many people who find that a man hyphenating their name is a sign of weakness or shows one to be less of a man. It’s also fair to say that doing this has raised the eyebrows of some of my friends and it’s likely that there will be times when people who don’t even know me will make assumptions about me when they hear or read my name.

In the end I realized that what other people think of me should not stop me from doing what I know is right. Seriously, if someone thinks I’m less of a man for hyphenating that’s fine, they can think that all they want as I continue to be happy with who I am and happy with a name that honors me and honors my fantastic wife.

3)      It’s going to take so much longer to fill out paperwork.

This is true, but it’s worth it.

4)      We hope to have kids someday. What will they do with their names when they get married? Their names could get really long.

Our kids will be adults by that point and should be able to figure things out for themselves.

That was the thought process. I went to Susanna one last time and told her I really could not let go of my name, but I realized that meant she shouldn’t have to either. We both decided that hyphenating our last names was the best thing for us.

So here I am, Scott Walter Marshall-Kimball, it’s taking some getting used to, but I like it. I think it reflects nicely part of what it means to get married, I am still who I am, I still come from where I come from, but I have the joy of joining my life and joining who I am to my wife Susanna whose name I am honored to carry as well.